Understanding Shame

“See, I lay in Zion a stone that causes men to stumble and a rock that makes them fall, and the one who trusts in Him will never be put to shame.” Romans 9:33


What exactly is shame?  Shame manifests itself in a wide variety of forms, which can include feelings of low self-esteem, feeling worthless, unlovable, unredeemable, defenseless, stupid, rejected and defeated, to name just a few.  It is often the critical inner voice that repeats words that were spoken to us by our parents, relatives, teachers and peers while we were growing up.  It has been my personal experience that most people struggle with shame to one degree or another and find it difficult to accept God’s unconditional love for them.  They may know in their mind’s that He loves them, but their hearts find it difficult to truly believe it.  If the scripture says that those who have placed their trust in Jesus Christ will never be put to shame, then why are so many Christians still walking around with a mantle of shame?  Because deep in their hearts they have not placed their trust in Him!

Before the Fall, Adam and Eve walked in the garden of Eden “naked and unashamed”.  It was not until they had sinned that their shame drove them to cover themselves with fig leaves and hide from the Lord their God.  Jesus took that shame, the shame of our sins, our guilt, our unworthiness, and all the other adjectives that describe the state of having shame, upon Himself when He was on the Cross and although He despised the shame (Hebrews 12:2) He endured the cross for the “joy that was set before Him”.  Have you ever wondered what “joy” He could be talking about?  The whole point of the cross was that Jesus wanted to restore His relationship with Mankind so that we could once again walk with Him, naked and unashamed, metaphorically speaking.  He wants us to know Him and trust Him so much that even when we sin, as we all do, we can come to Him and repent, and not be ashamed.  He doesn’t want us to hide from Him anymore.  He wants to restore that intimacy that can only be there when there is no shame in a relationship. 

If you don’t have that kind of intimacy with Him, that you feel naked and unashamed before Him, no matter what you do or have done, then you are trusting in your own righteousness, and not His.  You must come to the end of your own strength, your need to be in control, and allow Him to completely restore you.  If you confess, not in your mind, but in your heart, your sinfulness, and accept His forgiveness, then He will give you a new heart and a new spirit and you can experience victory over sin.  This state of being restored to Him is what brings Him joy and that is the reason why the enemy wants us to continue to be ashamed.  When you are naked and unashamed before Him, that joy will not only be His, but also yours.


 

Choosing Wisdom

We all make bad choices in our lives.  Some of us have made choices that have turned out to be destructive or very painful.  We look back and we can see where we went wrong, but how do we apply that knowledge, the things that we should have learned to our lives now so that we can make good choices for our future?  How do we turn our lives around and begin to choose those things that will give us a hope and a future? 

Solomon tells us in Proverbs that Wisdom is everywhere.  He says she stands in the open market place, she is at the gates of the city, or the entrance to our town, she is standing on the walls, and she is crying aloud, speaking loudly and imploring us to hear what she is saying to us.  He also says that folly is standing around and beckoning us to come and fall into temptation and repeat history once again.  What he is saying in effect is that we have the choice, we can choose to listen to the voice of wisdom which is everywhere or we can choose to listen to the voice of foolishness and continue to do the same things that have hurt us and perhaps even destroyed our lives. 

As I thought about Solomon’s words, I looked back at my own life and thought about the lessons that I have learned.  I realized that I can either blame other people or God for things that have happened to me, or I can choose to accept responsibility for the decisions that I made, good or bad.  Obviously there are things that happen to us that we have no control over, and it is certainly not our fault if someone abuses us, but what I choose to do with the things that happened to me, the choices that I make based on my past, are my responsibility.  I can choose to be angry and bitter or I can forgive and allow God to use my sorrow and suffering to make me into the person He wants me to be. 

One of the first things that I believe helps us to make a good decision is to separate the thing that I want right now from the things that I really want and need in life.  If I really want a loving relationship, a marriage where I can love and be loved, then being with a man who is abusing me right now, no matter how attractive he might be, is not a good decision.  It takes courage to look at your own heart and think about the things that are important to you.  You have to face your fears and you have to be honest both with yourself and with God as you look in the mirror and say to yourself, this is what I really want.  This is what I really need in life.  Once you have done that, you can then begin to reexamine the choice that you have before you and be honest about whether or not this decision will meet that need.  I found once I did this, things became much more clear in my life.  Once I understood what I really wanted and needed, the fear of falling into the same trap disappeared.  Now I could look back at the danger signs and assess them honestly. 

That brings me to my second point.  I have learned to listen to my inner gut.  First impressions really are important.  You don’t have to make a decision on that first impression, and you can certainly give people or things the benefit of the doubt, but never forget what your first impression was.  Go into any relationship with caution and if you have a gut check, a nasty feeling or a feeling that something is wrong here, then look for markers, or red flags.  Trust me, they will be there.  They always are.  When I did this assessment in my own life, I realized that my first impression of my ex husband was very bad.  I did not listen at the time.  I recently went back and counted 9 red flags, banners if you will, that I chose to ignore which warned me and had I listened, would have saved me from three decades of pain and suffering.  The red flags are always there but we usually choose to ignore them, because we are confused with what we want right now with what we really want in life. 

Finally, listen to the counsel of those people in your life who care about you.  Others can see things that we often cannot because they are not blinded by our emotions and needs.  They can see clearly and if you ask them honestly, they will tell you what is so very obvious to everyone, but you.